conscious guide to family gathering

“If you think you're enlightened, try spending a week with your family.” - Ram Dass⁠

Many people are on their way home thinking "it will be different this time."

You have done work on yourself. You have gone to therapy. You are taking care of yourself and communicating more honestly and clearly than you ever have. You are tuned into early signs of activation and you have a self care tool box. Of course this time things will go better than they ever have!

I have been there and - unfortunately - they have not.

I've pictured the nice family gathering I wanted to have: going through photos together, listening to my dad's stories, being kind and patient, being heard and seen. Then when I walked through his door a spell was cast and I watched myself revery into the worst version of myself, observing it all yet somehow helpless to stop it.

That experience helped me build a practical skill list I'd like to share with everyone who is about to spend a week with their family.

Know your goals

"Being better" is too vague and unwieldily a goal. Pick one quality you'd like to embody or one type of interaction you'd like to have go better, one relationship you want to focus on showing up differently for or giving more attention to. Maybe you want to be more patient with an older relative. Maybe you want to kindly hold the floor with a consistent interruptor. You could resolve to not take the bait on a sibling's snark and instead respond with kindness or excuse yourself for a walk. This time you are going to set a boundary with a relative who says unkind things or try to resist saying something unkind yourself. Having a small and clear goal will give you one thing to focus on and measure improvement. Write a list and then focus on just one or two.

Make a plan

We can't change because we want to. Our habits are well practiced and old, less desirable behaviors more likely to present themselves when we are stressed or distressed. If we are going to deviate from an old behavior, especially in a high intensity moment, we need a clear alternative. Being as detailed as possible as you picture what you'd like to have happen or what you want to go differently right down to your posture and facial expression, script your desired responses and then practice them in your imagination. Imagine it over and over and over. Picture things going right in the new way you'd like. Imagine how you will pivot if/when it doesn't go to plan so you have some alternative language in your pocket. Decide what will need to happen for you to take a break and what language you will use to excuse yourself. Having a clear plan in place will give you the best shot at doing something in a new way because you know exactly how you'd like to do it.

Take breaks

Holidays and travel throw us off our routine and takes away our quiet spaces. Instead of moving forward with the flow of group plans and hoping I can keep my shit together, I started to build alone time into every multi-hour or day gathering. I take walks to move my body and have solo time to process. I force myself to take naps - or at least go lay down with a light video on to zone out for a while and recharge. I offer to run errands so I can take a drive and still be contributing. I invite one person to join me so I can get some one on one bonding time. You can ask that person  if it's okay to vent or process something that came up if that feels necessary and appropriate. Don't push yourself to hang for everything and wait to find out if you break. Take care of yourself ahead of time - ideally every day - so you can feel good for longer. Us doing what we need to do to take care of ourselves makes us more trustworthy and a better family member. This was a big pivot for me.

Build in lots of reminders

Think of someone you admire whose energy you want to embody and save their photo. Screenshot a quote or instagram post that inspires you. Make one of those images your screensaver so every time you look at your phone you are reminded of your goal. Put on a bracelet or wear a rubber band that represents your intention for this visit. Check in with your partner or your best family buddy once or twice a day, which will feel forced, but be effective. Give meaning to the environment so that every time the dog barks or someone grabs a beer or your cousin talks about his tesla or you look at the painting in the living room you think of who and how you want to be. If you realize after two days you totally forgot, that's okay. "Now" is the perfect time to remember and try again.

See boundaries as a way of loving yourself and others

We think we know how to set boundaries, but do we? Boundaries aren't mean and they aren't a way of controlling others' behavior. Boundaries are a way of keeping ourselves safe and sane. It's saying what you will do in different situations. It's important to have clear language you have practiced and can endeavor to say in a clean way, ideally without an emotional edge.

"Thanks for asking, but I don't want to."

"That makes me uncomfortable and if you continue I will excuse myself."

"I'm not comfortable being spoken to like that. Can you say that to me in different way?"

"I need for us to resume this conversation later when we are both calmer."

"I respect your way of seeing things even though I don't share it. I don't think we are going to change each other's minds today so let's stop talking about it."

"That hurt my feelings."

I wish I could have read a list once and perfectly executed this new language, but it took a lot of practice - which usually looked like me thinking of what I could have said after I didn't say it. Call up a memory of the situations you have struggled with in the past and imagine yourself using these phrases. Don't just do it once, but over and over. By practicing in your imagination you are building a new habit. Since these tough moments are so rare (hopefully) you won't be able to build a habit in real time and will likely be too activated to remember and implement new tools anyway. Visualization is the most effective and underutilized tool for change.

Remember to regulate

I can't be my best if I'm not feeling grounded and centered. The more uncentered I feel the more unreliable my behavior is. It's so easy to lose our center when we are traveling, with family, at home, or somewhere new so this process has to be intentional. To be the way I want to be I need to feel -well- good. Set reminders on your phone with repeating calendar events. tie regulation check in's with places, times of day, meals or actions.

Take a deep breath

Drop your shoulders

Shake out any tension by wiggling your hips and limbs, sort of like a wet dog

Do a body scan to find and release muscle tension

Go move your body with a walk, a stretch or some jumping jacks

Align your posture

Put your hands on your heart

Say some nice things to yourself

Practice self compassion

This shit is Hard. It feels like it shouldn't be, but it is. If you are still reading this that means you are definitely a good person who means well and wants to do their best. No matter how far you have come, your family will show you where your work is. If you don't get it perfectly this visit, that's okay. The nice thing about family is that they aren't going anywhere and are inclined to be forgiving. Let go of what you can. Vulnerably and softly bring up what needs to be aired out. Remember that it feels better to be connected than to be right (that's a tough one for me!). Remember that you can't be kind to anyone else if you aren't being kind to yourself. No matter what happens you are loved, you are worthy, you are capable, you are trying. As long as you keep trying you will find a way.