god speed
I was lucky enough to spend Thanksgiving on a sailboat with close friends on a gloriously warm, yet relatively still day. After hours of mostly laughing and drifting, the wind picked up. As we arced into the wind, the now speeding boat tipped to the side. Too far. An alarm went off- not in my mind, but in my body.
We are in danger
Capsizing is bad
You could die
Turn out of the wind!
This was the feeling I both desire and avoid. We were out of control and I was scared. I wanted the exhilaration, the feeling of flying, but I also wanted to be on solid ground.
Last week I had a friend come take a video of me and my horse, a momento before I sold him, a record of our relationship. As we cantered in the big field I felt him billow underneath me. He wanted to run & I said yes. As he picked up speed, going faster than we had ever gone, I felt the sensations arise back to back.
He is about to go out of control
I’m scared
You trust him, let it happen
And I did. He ran so fast it broke my heart. He galloped at god speed. There was nothing except the moment, beginning & crashing to an end with each hoofbeat. What followed was pure joy & exhilaration, as if we had broken our personal sound barrier & come back triumphant, having touched the other side of something that can’t be reached in everyday life.
I know that edge well, the place where my illusion of solid footing drops off. Falling in love, taking a leap in a new business project, when my mask starts slipping as I get to know someone, deciding if I’m going to drop into a deeper level of intimacy or push them away. In meditation when my body is so full of sensation it feels almost painful, like all that feeling is too much to hold.
Two winters ago I learned to ski. When I got on my first real slope I kept falling because I was trying to go slower than the slope would allow. I wanted to stay in control - and instead there I was on my ass. Fall after fall after fall, I finally figured that going faster couldn't yield a worse outcome. When I let go, let the momentum of the slope take me, leaned in instead of against, I started to ski.
In motion I got bolder & found skill, but first I had to let go of control.