hating yourself: a how to guide

On the morning of my 38th birthday I was dusty from camping in the desert and tired from being up all night. As I waited for my friend to wake up so we could drive back to Moab, I chatted to an impressive man camped next to us who was fresh out of this second detox for alcohol. He was telling me about a girl he met the night before, the mixed signals she was sending, how she left him feeling confused.

This was an equation I had solved: If you feel confused, then you know how they feel - clearly not wild about you.

I wondered why he kept going back when her response was less than enthusiastic. I asked, “do you love your own company?” With a small smile that was at once bold and ashamed, he confessed “well, actually, I hate myself.”

The cessation of the activities we take to create distance from discomfort means coming home to all the feelings we have been avoiding. It’s a vulnerable place. In the moments where I have stopped running and turned to face myself, I've hated myself, too. As if simply hating yourself wasn’t bad enough, one of the worst parts of hating yourself is hating yourself for hating yourself. Our society preaches self love, self love, but no one can authentically make that 180 degree flip. The chasm between the two is too wide and deep. Self love becomes another stake to fall on or stick to beat your sick self with, another place you’re failing, another brick in the wall of self hate.

I told him, "hating yourself is actually a great place to start!” which earned me an incredulous squint in the morning sun. “We can't switch from hating ourselves to loving ourselves, especially when we haven't even really done the first part.”

Sure, we hate ourselves, but we also don't want to touch it. We don't want to talk to it. We're so afraid or ashamed of hating ourselves that we turn away from the world and try to hide it. We engage with life on the periphery, keeping the black tar pit of self hate at a distance from our concept of ourselves and twice as far from anyone who could possibly get close enough to see it. Self hate is a parasite on our life force; it alienates us from others as it reproduces itself. Self hate is the disease, and also, surprisingly, the cure.

When you feel like you hate yourself, try not turning off that voice by telling it that it is wrong or feeling that you shouldn't feel that way because self love is better. Instead of shutting that voice down, invite it in and ask it some questions.

Thank it for speaking up in the first place and tell it that you care about how it feels. It’s hard to hate yourself! No one wants to feel that. You understand. And, boy, do you ever.

Ask your voice, “what part of us do you hate?

Is there a desire that isn't being met?

Is there a need that isn't being fulfilled?

Is there something we do every day that you really, really don't like and wish that we'd stop?

Is there something you want to do and we always tell you ‘no'?”

Say to that voice, "I am here for you. I'm here to be guided by you. I don't want you to hate being me. How about we work together and make it fun! Tell me what you like and I’ll try to work it in. Tell me what you don't like and I'll do my best to avoid it.”

The reason it's so hard to get to the finish line, to actually love ourselves, the reason why so many people only appear to, but really don’t and hope you won’t notice, is because we think we should be there immediately. We try to skip the first, most important, and most difficult step.

Feeling the way you feel is a prerequisite to feeling better. Instead of frantically searching the perimeter of self hatred for a way out, get yourself a nice, comfy armchair and settle down for a bit. Look in the closets, peek under the beds, really check the place out! Go ahead and get comfortable because the truth is you can’t get out of yourself. Your self is your self, but once you fully move in and take ownership, you can redecorate.

Instead of judging yourself for how you feel (even if the way you feel is self hatred) invite all feelings in and said “hey, I have space for you. I want to hear what you have to say. Let's co-create our life. You have a voice now. You are important. You matter. Please, come in. I love you.” This act of acceptance, of welcoming all parts, of vulnerability and honesty and self compassion is just about the bravest and most loving thing anyone can do. If you just did all that for yourself, how bad can you really be?

Instead of casting self hate into the streets or locking it up in the basement, take it in your arms, wipe off the dirt and caress it’s cheeks, wrap your arms around it and thank it for being there.

The recipe to self love is particularly counterintuitive.

Want to really love yourself? Go ahead and hate yourself first, if that’s where you are at.

This shortcut was right under our noses all along. If we want to get where we are going, first we have to be where we are.