the thing they cannot give

In my relationships, asking someone to prove their love by giving me the one thing that they can’t give has reaffirmed my lifelong belief that I am not worthy of love. Therefore my experience of relationships has been that they are difficult and painful.

Trying to retroactively get the love was present, but that I never felt as a child, I have stayed with people and in situations that weren’t right for me thinking I could earn it if I was finally good enough.

Even though we shared a rare connection, it simply wasn’t a fit. I have realized that no one, not me or them, was bad or had done anything wrong. We were pushed beyond the threshold of where we could be our best selves. The pain came from staying in a situation I would have been better served to walk away from or taken a step back from. That ultimately that would have been more loving to us both.

Accepting myself, knowing I will be okay in the difficult moments in life, and allowing myself to simply acknowledge, however disappointing, what isn’t right for me is the deepest love I have ever experienced. Now I am able to share that love and acceptance with others. Love that allows someone to be themselves and is not based in needing someone heal my deepest wounds, especially at the cost of changing who they are.

I feel grateful for the experiences that have brought me to this place of healing. The difficult times I have navigated allow me to better support others as they walk a similar path.