we are all doing inner child work
Have you ever acted out? Self sabotaged? Felt swept away in a certain situation and behaved in a way you didn’t intend to? Is it a pattern around a relationship type or situation? Most of the time you feel calm, cool and under control, like yourself, but in certain moments something comes over you and you behave almost like a child?
The truth is we are all doing inner child work. Whether it’s conscious or unconscious, we all do it.
No matter what kind of childhood we had, it is a fact of life that we didn’t get all of our needs met. There were moments where we felt afraid or let down. There were moments that made us question whether we were worthy of love. There were wounds so deep that they moved underground, only to be seen when we are under the greatest stress and they rear their ugly head seemingly from nowhere, momentarily siezing the steering wheel of our lives and often turning us towards a behavior our conscious, adult selves wouldn’t choose.
There is a grand cultural myth in romantic love that someday another person will come along and love us in the way we always wanted to be loved, the way our parents couldn’t love us for what we couldn’t see at the time was no fault of our own. Fortunately and unfortunately, this isn’t true. True love, true healing in ourselves, our relationships, and with our parents comes from realizing that we are the person who was destined to give ourselves that perfect love we desire. Because it is actually us who is here to love us, to save us, healing and completion is within our power.
We are undermined by that deep wound when we don’t give our inner child a voice. We ignore the unpleasant inkling of an unexplained unease, an illogical emotional response, an irrational fear. We, our conscious selves, are frustrated or annoyed by it and shoo it away or brush it under the rug. This nagging, like children in past generations, should be seen, but not heard, and ideally not seen. Then, unaddressed, the issue grows and grows under the rug where we placed it until it explodes, laying a relationship or circumstance to waste.
The answer here, as to most things, is love. My mentor told me many years ago, if you are hysterical, it’s historical. If I find myself having a disproportionate reaction to any given situation or returning worries that a logical approach cannot quell, I realize that a childlike, emotional part of myself is engaged. I look within myself and kindly ask “who is upset”? Usually a child will appear with her hand raised. My response varies by how old she appears, but it is always that of a loving parent. If it’s a crying toddler I will hold her and rock her and tell her it’s okay until she calms down. If it’s an older child I will sit with her and ask her about it, validating her feelings, perhaps discovering the root experience that created the pattern or fear in the conversation.
While this visualization may seem silly or even insane, this activity usually dispenses with the intrusive thoughts and help me return to the present moment. The truth is, the present moment is everything. It is me today in my adult body. It is the situation outside of myself with another person. It is also my emotions and the many parts of myself that live inside of me. It is my memories and the experiences that have shaped who I am today. It is how I think about them and engage with them now as much as what they were at the time.
I say we are all doing inner child work whether we know it or not because our fears, our pain, our wounds and our patterns will have their voice heard eventually. I have found that taking the time to address them, to give them a voice, to offer them a place at the table in my adult life not only helps everything run smoother, but it heals. Today I’m able to give myself the attention, love, kindness and validation I didn’t get as a child. The more loving I am to myself the less I need from others and the better I can be for others.
Even if nothing is going on, take a moment and look inward. Check in with the different parts of yourself. Ask how everyone is doing, if anyone wants to introduce themselves or has any concerns. You can open up a journal and have three different pens or markers, then dialogue on paper, letting different parts choose their writing utensil and speak. The more you show up as a trusting, caring adult for these parts, the more they will trust and reach out to you. If they have a direct line to your conscious mind they won’t need to act out anymore. If they have a feeling they can come to you and trust you will work it out together.