worthy of worth

Growing up with feelings of inherent worthlessness I fought to have worth. I worked for it. I wasn’t worth anything, but I could use my life force, my energy to give to and support others.

I worked in my friendships, checking in when I thought of people so they would know I cared for them, remembering important details and dates. This was important to me. Having felt unloved in the past, it felt imperative to love actively.

I cared deeply about my clients and attribute the success of my business to it. I would check in regularly, more than a business owner would be expected to and at a rate that wasn’t sustainable as the business grew.

If I wasn’t ‘doing' all this, how would people know that I cared about them? What value did I have if I wasn’t providing value to others?

Last summer I realized how much of my energy was being spent in ways that weren’t moving me closer to my goals. I stopped maintaining the relationships I was maintaining for the sake of maintaining them. Instead I asked myself which were feeding me, who did I feel best after talking to. I was honest about who I felt drained after interacting with, who I didn’t feel I could be myself around.

I started being intentional about where I put my energy and being okay with relationships falling away. I didn’t need high numbers of text messages or invitations to bolster my self esteem. I needed energy to be present to the process unfolding inside of me. I needed to be supported and inspired by people on their own journey.

Then when my mom died in December I needed to sit still and be sad. I had nothing to give, even to myself. This forced me to put my relationships to a test I never would have had the courage to on my own. I sat still and people came to me. They came with food. They messaged and called. They came and sat with me. They sent cards. They let me be how I was, strung out on grief and strange. It was so vulnerable, it was so beautiful.

As I feel my way back to life I’m so grateful for what the low time taught me. That I would be held if I let go. That people would be there for me when I needed them. That I too deserve to receive. I, just like all of us, am inherently worthy.