my impersonation

This is my impersonation of a human. This it how it moves and breathes. I’ve learned the body, the perfect pressure of a handshake, the positioning for the loudest possible clap. Hugs were confusing. If you open your arms and lean forward then pause, people usually lean in. At first I couldn’t tell if I missed the cue and t’s easier to stand rigid than to move. No is a solid default, until it gets weird. Humans like it if you just take the lead. Then at least someone has. To dance, start by swaying. Don’t do what feels right, that doesn’t work at first. Try things and see what feels wrong. That means you are off beat. I’m not sure if it got better over time or I just care less because it felt good. I learned sex. That was fun. Sex as an act. Only, sex is all the time. It’s in every conversation, the way people look at you. People. Men deciding if they want to have it with me. Women wondering if their partners do. I like the act of sex when it’s not an act. If you do it right, really do it, for a moment you are so human that you aren’t anyone anymore. I learned to speak. I learned a lot of words. I’ve learned the language. I say ‘how are you’ and ‘that’s too bad.’ I copied people. I can speak in socioeconomic class. I can speak spirituality. I can effect someone’s perception of me with words. A good impersonation requires the right words. Your body must be cared for and no two are alike. Feed it. Water it. Move it. Let it eliminate when necessary, but also act like it doesn’t do that. You will learn to put on clothes that match your environment or express your personality and culture. You can speak with your appearance and your body as well as words. People tell you with their the muscles around your eyes when you get it wrong. People have a lot of ways of telling you you got it wrong that rarely involve actually telling you. Sometimes it’s body language. Or a relational step away. They got busy or their eyes say no when they say yes too earnestly with their mouth, their voice high pitched, sweetly shrill. There are rules to follow. You get potty trained and hold your own fork. Then school. You go to school then you go to school and after all that school and by then they hope you learned to be like everyone else. You do sports and volunteer so you can go to school some more. After that you get a job and work then you work and you work and you get another job and work more. They don’t teach you to breathe, to feel the breeze on your skin, to eat with your eyes closed or to get calm when you feel mad. They don’t teach you to love another as yourself, that the loss of one is the loss of all. In fact they encourage our stratification. This is the beginning of capitalism. It’s different from communism because half of us are trying to climb on each other to get paid the most and the other half has resigned themselves to their role.