6th night
Shine Your Light
Last night I grabbed my menorah on the way out the door to my uncles house where my dad’s side of the family was gathering. When I took it out of my bag, my family was delighted. Many of them had never lit the candles and were happy to share in the ritual and to learn more about my cultural heritage. I told a brief history of Hanukkah, shared some of my reflections, explained the meaning of the prayer, then recited it as I lit the candles.
The first time I lit Shabbat candles, I youtubed the prayer and, even alone, still whispered the words. At the first Shabbat I hosted in October I asked my friend to lead and we all sang it together, my voice low and able to be lost in the others. Last night in a room of 15 of my non jewish family members I was able to sing loud and surprisingly melodically, even as I stumbled over the b’mitzvotav v’tzivanu that always trips me up no matter how many times I practice it.
As a teenager one of my favorite words was reticent, meaning not revealing one's thoughts or feelings readily. I never would have brought a menorah and paused the dinner to share that ritual or say a prayer
Despite the encouragement of my closest friends, it wasn’t until recently that I became willing to share my poetry and this year I put together a book of twenty years of my writing
I was always too self conscious to dance until I found the safe space I needed to learn to move my body in a way that felt pleasurable and authentic at jam band shows
In a feeble attempt to appear normal I spent my life trying to edit what I would say then last year my wonderfully weird and hilarious friend showed me that the thoughts I've been hiding could be the most endearing and exciting thing I have to share with the world
A teacher once told me that the feeling of fear is the excitement of leaving your comfort zone. It is tangible, visceral vulnerability. Who you are is your gift to the world, the light you have to shine. In my wild and adventurous life, learning to be myself has been the ultimate act of bravery. Just like my recitation of the prayers, start somewhere small and safe. It gets easier to be louder and brighter every time you try.