7th night
A Candle Length Shabbat
Instead of celebrating at the two Shabbatakkah parties I was planning on attending, I stayed home sick. Feeling bad and bad for myself, I couldn’t even stand to light the candles at sunset. It was only night six and I felt burnt out. To stay engaged, the value of the practices has to outweigh the tedium of routine. For me, who intrinsically rebels against repetition, I have to find a way of approaching the traditions that is flexible enough so I can meet it as I am, whether enthusiastic or uninterested.
Not knowing what to do at my 11pm solo menorah lighting, as a nod to shabbat I did nothing. Purposefully, I sat and watched the candles till they burned down. My cousin told me that our concept of sitting in meditation was one of masculine energy, while a more feminine approach is to be in the flow of movement or a task. It is customary during Hanukkah that women not work while the candles are lit, so I married the concepts in the conventional meditative practice of watching a flame, or in this case, seven.
Shabbat as time that is unencumbered by technology and work. Shabbat as small moments in our daily routine. Shabbat as intentional time off from work, almost laughable for an entrepreneur. Shabbat as quality time designed for connection. Shabbat as a visit with a friend where we leave our phones in another room. Shabbat as cooking a meal together or going for a walk.
The length of a candle is a reasonable amount of time to give myself to sit and be. In one candle I felt moved no less than 50 times to pick up my phone, send a message I forgot, add something to my to do list, ask Alexa to set a reminder, or to take a photo. The meditative practice worked - I observed the urge, sat with it, and stayed on my task of doing nothing. Can I bring Shabbat into my life by having a candle I light each day and watch mindfully while it burns?
Maybe! Probably not. Instead, I have a constellation of rituals and I find value in picking one that feels most doable in that moment. I have a tarot deck on the coffee table, an I Ching by my tooth brush, a candle on my bedside table that I try to light with a moment of intentionally. Watch your flame tonight.