feeling safely

When I bury or run from feelings, they still come out, just in strange ways. I may misplace emotions on to a smaller, more manageable problem or transfer them to a person that feels safer to be emotional with. When I have not been honest about how I have felt, it comes out in ways I don’t like, I don’t mean. It’s scary. It’s unfair. It’s dangerous. It’s unsafe.

I have become an archeologist of my internal experience. It’s easier in small moments. Watching a movie I’ll turn to my friend and say "I’m scared!” Tackling a work task that is new or tedious I’ll say “I’m mad!” I’m anchoring what it feels like in my body. The trick is, by naming it, acknowledging it, honoring it, I’m giving it space to exist. Emotions are short lived in their natural arch. Like the notes of a song, they often start to fade the instance they resonate. It’s when I lock around them, not wanting to feel them, that they are given unnaturally long life.

By doing emotional maintenance I am in touch with what is going on inside of me and I can work with it instead of being worked over. If the emotion is too strong for me to stay in a situation or conversation, I can notice that, communicate it, then excuse myself. My first priority is both to honor what is happening inside of me, giving it a safe avenue to be expressed, and to protect those around me if my feelings feel bigger than my stability.

“Say how you feel, don’t act how you feel” has been a mantra this year. I want to say “I’m really upset” instead of something passive aggressive. I want to say “I’m uncomfortable” instead of something awkward or communicating with body language. I want to say “I’m really hurt” instead of hurting back. Say “I need space” instead of disappearing.

I used to think love meant hanging in in tough moments, now I know sometimes it means walking away. I used to think boundaries were to keep people out, now I see them as ways to keep my cherished relationships safe. I know how many times I can patiently repeat the request for time or space before I need to draw a hard line and excuse myself. My younger self would see this as a cruel rejection. My wiser self sees it as love in action.