my last grandparent

My grandfather died at 97 in his apartment in New York City on Thursday morning. I’m not sure what to do or say. I’m so tired of being sad and needing support. And now, freshly on the heels of my mother’s passing, another beloved relative has become an ancestor. Again, I’m sad and I need support.

I pick up my phone to call a friend then put it down. I start to try another and stop. I feel overwhelming guilt. Once again I have to put people in the position of uncomfortable empathy. It’s awful and you feel awful for me, but you don’t know what to say. I don’t know what I want to hear, really. Nothing will help, but I want you to know what’s happening. I don’t want to be alone in it even though I am alone.

My mind is blown by the implications. I need to remind myself over and over that the man who was my grandfather my whole life is now no longer on this earth. The world carries on without him. Everyone who loved him is hurting and grapling with the same shift in reality. I’ll never hear his stories again, hold his hand, hear his voice. I’m now the only one who remembers the memories we shared and I don’t remember them as well as I thought.

Grief has slowed everything down. I write this on the porch and watch how the sun hits the tree in my yard, noticing the topography of the bark, the sway of the bird feeder, spring’s buds on the branches. Grief is a trip that I am now familiar with. I feel it kicking in.

Naturally, I brace against it. I don’t want to be sad anymore. Emotional, slowed down, irresponsible- or at least no longer exceptionally responsible, uninterested in feeding myself, unsure how to be around people. I was just coming out of that strange place and I don’t want to go back, even if my heart calls for it, even if my grandfather deserves it.

I want someone to come over and talk about nothing with me to pass the time, but I’m too scared to call anyone. I feel reluctant to risk being turned down or putting my friends in the position of feeling obligated to oblige - even though I need them to, even though they may be happy to. At this difficult time when we are all likely in need of support, if you have any to spare, please send it my way.