the life changing magic of tidying your friendships

1. Accept that this task is going to require some organization and a lot of honesty. Begin by writing down the people in your life. I used Mindmeister to create a map with myself in the middle and a branch for all the communities I’m a part of (ie my family, friends from childhood, college, music, burning man). I wrote down everyone I could think of then I looked at my texts, my calendar, my Facebook and Instagram messages to figure out who I was interacting with regularly and to remind myself of the people who I always said I wanted to spend more time with, but never did.

2. Make a symbol ranking system. My levels were: inner circle 💗 close friend ⭐️ friends ✅ and acquaintances 🚩 This part feels a bit brutal, but push through and rank everyone. After the first few tough calls where you go back and admit that you don’t like someone as much as you told yourself you did it gets easier. Don’t take into account universal big love for all or how hurt someone would be if they found out. This is about who you are resonating with most right now.

3. Once you have everyone ranked, reorder them in the mindmap in order of priority. Get clear on the communities that are most important to you and the people in each group who you feel most energized, inspired, and fulfilled by connecting with.

4. Next I printed out these circles and I wrote myself and my inner circle in the center. Then I filled in the next ring with my close friends and the last area with friends, keeping people lumped by community. Looking at this paper was such a relief. I could see exactly who I wanted to dedicate my time to. Anyone whose name wasn’t inside a circle wasn’t a priority to keep up with or give my time to. My acquaintances are people I enjoy and like so much and am so pleased to run into, but they are not relationships I need to put any energy into and that is okay.

5. In honor of this exercise I got crystals for my 7 closest friends and that was a really lovely final touch. I love that the crystals honor my connection to these women and connect us to each other.

A year and a half later, I can say this exercise changed my life! The intentional evaluation process helped me shift from doing what I was doing to doing what I wanted to do. Without reflection, I think it’s easy to assume what we are doing is what we want. Unfortunately that isn’t usually the case. My circles have shifted several times since I did this, but I haven’t rewritten them. When I resonate with someone we move closer and when I don’t we move away. Seeing how people move in as well as out has made it so much easier to let people flow away and trust the right ones will come back.

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