then there is light

January was consumed by grief. February, a whirlwind of party planning then a steep let down as that rush and purpose disappeared. I was left with myself and my thoughts. Life seemed to have conspired against me, loading my plate with difficulties until darkness pushed me away from the thoughts and practices that gave wings to my inspiration.
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I sank inward, stopped writing, stayed in my now beautiful sanctuary of a home and ruminated. Yet again, despite the resistance of not wanting to feel like a burden, I asked for help and let my friends be there for me. Sharing my overwhelming sadness and being held in that space made it easier to bear. Feeling sorry for myself shifted to introspection. Why was this hurtful? When has it happened before? What is the feeling underneath? What can I do to shift to a more useful perspective or make the changes within my power to step away from what isn’t working for me?
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I did my best to keep moving and embrace the moments of joy when they came. Meeting myself where I was at I rested enough, but not too much, forced myself out of the house and found I was happy being there. Here, on a Saturday afternoon with no plans, I lay in the sun in my beautiful hammock in my perfect yard, reading my grandmother’s book and feeling grateful. I think of this poem and do my best to remember that to step away is a temptation that feels can feel inevitable. To come back to balance, to focusing on what is good, is a choice that is at times difficult, but ultimately inevitable as well.
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The Laughing Heart

by Charles Bukowski

your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.