have you thought of suicide?

Have you thought of suicide? Haven’t we all? No? Maybe in a dark moment. Maybe it flickered through your mind too briefly for you to comprehend, or flashed just long enough for you to say, “oh no. Not that. Not me.”⠀
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The scary thing, the vulnerable thing, the thing I have told hardly anyone is that I have. My therapist, when I confessed it through a choked throat, reassuring him profusely I would never act on it, told me that that thought represents hopelessness. It appears when one is hopeless in finding a resolution to their problems, when they can’t imagine a release from the pain that brought them to such dark resignation. ⠀
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Suicide is something my friend and I would speak of. There are so few people I would ever share so tender and private a thought with. Both of us having bipolar depression, he was someone who could meet me in that dark realm, who was fluent, as I was, and so I was able to hold his hand and walk with him through years and years of one blow and blow, more than any one man should ever be asked to bear. ⠀
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I have learned over years that my depression manifests as irritability. When I do not catch it in time, when life's annoyances seem to justify my mental posture and mood, seemingly out of nowhere I dip down. This is terrifying because I have been stuck below the surface before, falling into a potentially infinite black hole I may never escape. I would call him crying, terrified. He would listen and offer consolation without fear or desperation. He reflected a simple, calm belief that this would pass. That was what I needed, a hand to hold, a lifeline, someone to know where I stood so I wouldn’t be alone.⠀
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I decided when I was very young that if I could survive the pain I felt as a child without attempting such an exit then I never take that escape. Knowing that deep within me has been a comfort. My friend talked of suicide and I didn’t blame him, the bad luck and burdens he was buried by made it a miracle he lasted so long, a testament to his tenacity.

A month or two before his death I told him if he killed himself now I would be so pissed. He was almost out of the woods, that now, of all times, he had to push through. I talked of his strength in the face of overwhelming tragedy, of how many people his story, his survival could help as they walk a parallel path, alone and unsure if there was another side to make it to.⠀
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This was it. His proximity to waking from the nightmare. He had forgotten how to live in the light. He was terrified and alone. I could have done more, but I know in my soul I did all I could, and perhaps I bought him more time than he would have had without me. My consolation is that he is at peace, that the pain has passed. ⠀
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He reassures me of this as I type and tears overcome me. I hear his voice, no longer strained, tell me that he is okay. He takes my hand and he stands with me in my pain as I did for him, As his loved ones now stand with each other. ⠀
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If these thoughts cross your mind, no matter how far from action, you must seek such a friend. Seek until you find one whom you can call and say to them, "this is where I am. Stand with me. Let your presence be a lifeline. Know for me when I have forgotten that this moment will pass and I will be okay."