mourner’s Shabbat

I haven't told many people, so I'm telling you now. It’s been almost two weeks since my friend’s passing and mourning has cast my time in a stark perspective. What a blessing to be so busy, blessing to have so many amazing people in my life, invitations, meetings and projects. But I’m always in a rush, always counting down down time till the next place I need to be.

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This is why I need Shabbat. I vaguely set an intention for ’no plan Sunday's’ once a month, but didn’t block the days out and they filled while I watched, helplessly.

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In mourning I have focused. I’m spending time with the people who matter to me. Good time, but still a little bit of parallel phone time.

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I went to see my aunt 20 minutes outside of Austin who always comes to see me. We talked. I wrote. I cooked and she was forced to help because I didn’t know where anything was. I went with her to her an exercise class in Bastrop she had been talking about for years.

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I thought about all the times I repeatedly suggested someone join me for an activity or come to a place dear to my heart, anything deeply embedded and intrinsic to my identity. They said they would love to, but never made time and how that hurt. Then think of all the times I have been periodically invited to someone’s inner world and wanted to join them then canceled or never made the time, not due to insincerity, but time scarcity and routine.

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I need Shabbat. I needed to leave my phone at her house. To hit a vape and wander around the grocery store, her with her list and me with nothing to do except notice the aisles of bright colors, the myriad of products I usually breeze by in my hurry to grab the same shit I grab every time that I revolve between being sick to death of cooking then numb enough not to change.

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I need more time with the people who matter to me. More than a text, a phone call while I’m driving to here or there, a quick visit at a party, or even a coffee and catch up that feels like checking off the ‘what’s new’ list. Sitting in my aunt’s home, in her world, is magical. To be immersed in her space, so embed with her energy, is a gift. Do I really not have time to spend a day with someone? Or to stay over since it’s late and see how they move about their morning routine instead of pushing myself to go home, preferring my bed, my pajamas, my toothbrush.

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Time hasn’t carved itself out. A worthwhile ritual connects us to ourselves, each other, and something bigger. Shabbat does and we found each other now when life has become a runaway train and I need it’s loving guidance to give me an incentive to great that time for myself that would enrich my life so much.